I guess I’m doing good… good and challenged

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It’s been a hard week… and I’m writing about it here because I have been attempting to be authentic about it when people ask. I find it too easy to say that I’m doing good (in the present moment)… and then I have to clarify with “good and challenged… it’s been tough lately.”

Last Thursday, I was opened up, stripped down, and wiped out. I didn’t have any left but myself and God… and I wasn’t really liking what I was seeing. Here’s how I experienced it:

  • Had a massage with my dear friend Hank our at Sunburst. This was the first opening. I didn’t have any walls left to hold anything back.
  • Talked to my dear friend Zach about my chance at the Volunteer coordinator position that I applied for at Common Table. Turns out, I wasn’t the man for the job. There was something in my mind that got me thinking that the last year and a half of investing in the community and building a network was all for this very job. This was what was going to be the sustainable return on that investment.
  • Found out that I couldn’t be hired at Great Harvest full time because I was getting my stitches out of my toe on Tuesday and I couldn’t start Monday…
  • I’d been sitting around for two weeks because of toe surgery.
  • Some of the closest people in my life were leaving town on trips. Kat, Lucius, Sarah and Christian, Zach.

So many things gone in an instant. It was just me God and now I was faced with my own struggles, my own brokenness. I didn’t hold up so well. I’ve been working so hard for the last two years for less money than I have made since I was 17. I’ve been living with a vision, staying positive, and investing, investing, investing in the community. This won’t stop any time soon, but I have not been honest with how damn hard it has been. I’m tired of “efforting” my way through everything.

I’m hurting. I’m sad. I’m scared… I’m getting married in a month, going on a honeymoon, hoping to start a family… no money, no answers, no clear definition of where this path of devotion and dedication (which doesn’t compute in our world) is going to take me… yah…

I have heard so often that we don’t fully know about faith and trust in the divine until we reach a point of true humility and brokenness. I haven’t really known what this is all about as I have placed my worth so often in the money that I am making or how well I have “efforted” my way through life. This is different. I’m praying a lot these days. I’m listening more carefully. I don’t have much to lose so I can afford to really follow the Spirit’s tug on my heart.

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5 thoughts on “I guess I’m doing good… good and challenged”

  1. i’m with you, cousin! you are not alone in this “good but challenged” chapter of life. this year has taken me on a long (and often, not so fun) road. my body has gone through more physically than ever in my 24 years of life. my emotions and psyche–let’s just say, losing 2 babies in a year doesn’t bode well for emotions. it’s been a rough journey. all while being a newlywed trying to figure out our place in this world.

    but i can say, that this year has brought me very close to God and the Spirit’s guiding. where else to go but where He leads? and it does help to know, He gets it. He cries with us. Holds us when we’re alone and broken. and the best part/thing I’ve re-realized…is our God is big enough to handle all our emotions. I wrote a blog on in awhile back–wrestling with God. He is big enough to handle any anger, sadness, questions I throw His way. And that…is comforting.

    Love you! Thanks for being honest. it’s good knowing others are right there with you! love you lots and lots!!
    -becca

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  2. Nate! Love you bro. Thinking about you a lot and praying for you too amidst these disappointments you are experiencing. I’m sorry to hear about the jobs that have fallen through. Will continue to pray hard. I may have a chance to talk with you this Saturday (early afternoon or so for you). Can’t wait to see you in only a few short weeks!

    Love ~ your sis

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  3. Nate,
    Thank you for being able to share what you are going through so openly. It is refreshing that you are sharing what is REALLY going on with you. I can relate to being scared and not knowing what is going to happen. Seriously, I really can. My relationship with my fiancee is ending unexpectedly. A local business partner of mine has decided to go it alone with out much explanation and quite suddenly when I could use the income the most. To top it off, the job opportunity I turned down in order to be able to commit to co creating business here in Bend has also been lost to me. Basically, no more love of my life, no income here in Bend, and no job offer out of state. All within 24 hrs. I’m faced with staying in the town I love and scraping by near homelessness or moving back to San Diego and starting all over again. If ever I was challenged to remain in a state of peace and trust it is right now. I HURT deeply right now man. These major physical and emotional commitments of mine have crumbled before my eyes just as I thought they were starting to bear fruit. Yet there is a sense of peace, joy and gratitude in my core (well not right at first, but after a bit of prayer) because I know that all these things are Spirit’s (God’s) way of guiding me through learning and towards the next stage in His plan for me. It’s sometimes difficult to accept that what we want for ourselves might be vastly different than what God has in mind. Keep your chin up Nate. We are deeply loved and cared for. And I, for one, think you are doing a great job.

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  4. Nate-
    I applaud you for openly sharing these tough feelings. Although I wish you would’ve shared more in person when I saw you during that time, I totally understand. I’m much better at writing about my feelings than talking about them.
    I’m sorry the job opportunity didn’t work out. This has been a very tough town for a lot of people to find good, fulfilling jobs in (me included). Most people end up leaving, but I hope you don’t leave…..your spirit is a blessing to this community.
    I hope you are able to focus on the amazing blessing of your upcoming marriage….and know that God will work things out.
    Luv u – Lara

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