It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Not so much because I haven’t had things to write… quite the contrary. Not even so much that it sure is difficult to type when four out of my eight fingers are cold… this happens when it gets cold inside and out. There is very uneven heating and part of my body is cold and the rest is okay. No, I suppose I have stayed away more because that is the time of season that it is.
I am in this place where I need to sit for a while. A time of listening, a time of questioning… not the questioning of cynicism but of really trying to find the root of things. The root of people. It is a questioning in hope, knowing that there is more to learn and I can begin to learn it. There is more to be aware of… and I can live more in that awareness. Thoughts of real presence… mine with others and God’s with me.
So I am in this place and it takes more time. It is a slower place. One of conscious thought and purposeful intent. There is so much to be thankful for. It’s Tim’s birthday today. This is special as he has completed another year… one that he may very well not have completed. After his accident, I have seen more and more LIFE gently move into his body and heart. I hope and pray that he continues to be one who brings LIFE into those he is present with.
Another thing I’m sitting with… A good friend, who is part of our emerging community, said the other night, that in his ability to see the flaws in many things (I’ll admit, I am the same way), or at least question things, he only sees one flaw in our growing community here in Bend, Oregon. He doesn’t see some of our participants enough. The only flaw! This is so encouraging to me, and yet makes me think how we might grow as a community even more.
And maybe the biggest thing I am sitting with… my own gifts and my own shortcomings. I was reminded of this at church this morning by Tim, as we reflected on our future relationship and the encouragements that we have. I am so thankful that God has given me direction and awareness of my own gifts and strengths. I want so desperately to live in this. And yet, as I sit at home on a Saturday night, I ask myself, “What is a single 27 year old guy to do when he is alone and the night is young.” I wrestle and I question and fight. And my own shortcomings, my weaknesses, my insecurities rise to the surface. So, when someone asks me this morning, “Are you happy?”, I can only respond, “I am content… I am at peace… Sometimes, I suppose, I am happy.” Let me sit with this for a while…