I am up… and I am down

So often, I really wish I was an introvert and not an extrovert. Mostly when I am alone. Now, I know this sounds kinda crazy to some who are introverts and really want to be able to be more extraverted. When I am alone, though, so often I wish that I was more okay with it.

howling-timber-wolf.jpgIt’s strange… this position that I have with the Presbyterian church… it’s so entirely relational and it really is a dream come true. To have accepted the responsibility of connecting people to each other, to groups, and to the Spirit of God is all I have ever wanted to do. It is also nice that I don’t have to mark my successes in a traditional sense – that is, by having bodies in the pew or money being given. On a personal level, it seems that I mark my successes by the number of conversations and connections that I have on a given week. This leads to certain problems.

Mainly, when I am sitting alone in a quiet house at night and I am tired of reading, the birds have gone to sleep, and I can’t think of anything to do… I get really low. Last night, I actually contemplated starting up tying flies again. Then I remembered that I haven’t fly fished in forever.  It is during these times of not being okay with being alone that I realize I have a long way to go.

Life is relational. With self, God, and others. I tend to think that ultimately what it comes down to is how we encounter others and the presence that we give to them. This I can do… this I love. But that only comes from a foundation of understanding of self and an understanding of being in the presence of the Divine. When this is in shambles, no measure of relationship with others is going to amount to much. It is merely an attempt at establishing worth and filling my ego. This is where I am missing out. My foundation is weak. My worth is too often founded in the wrong places.

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