It’s been a hard week… and I’m writing about it here because I have been attempting to be authentic about it when people ask. I find it too easy to say that I’m doing good (in the present moment)… and then I have to clarify with “good and challenged… it’s been tough lately.”
Last Thursday, I was opened up, stripped down, and wiped out. I didn’t have any left but myself and God… and I wasn’t really liking what I was seeing. Here’s how I experienced it:
- Had a massage with my dear friend Hank our at Sunburst. This was the first opening. I didn’t have any walls left to hold anything back.
- Talked to my dear friend Zach about my chance at the Volunteer coordinator position that I applied for at Common Table. Turns out, I wasn’t the man for the job. There was something in my mind that got me thinking that the last year and a half of investing in the community and building a network was all for this very job. This was what was going to be the sustainable return on that investment.
- Found out that I couldn’t be hired at Great Harvest full time because I was getting my stitches out of my toe on Tuesday and I couldn’t start Monday…
- I’d been sitting around for two weeks because of toe surgery.
- Some of the closest people in my life were leaving town on trips. Kat, Lucius, Sarah and Christian, Zach.
So many things gone in an instant. It was just me God and now I was faced with my own struggles, my own brokenness. I didn’t hold up so well. I’ve been working so hard for the last two years for less money than I have made since I was 17. I’ve been living with a vision, staying positive, and investing, investing, investing in the community. This won’t stop any time soon, but I have not been honest with how damn hard it has been. I’m tired of “efforting” my way through everything.
I’m hurting. I’m sad. I’m scared… I’m getting married in a month, going on a honeymoon, hoping to start a family… no money, no answers, no clear definition of where this path of devotion and dedication (which doesn’t compute in our world) is going to take me… yah…
I have heard so often that we don’t fully know about faith and trust in the divine until we reach a point of true humility and brokenness. I haven’t really known what this is all about as I have placed my worth so often in the money that I am making or how well I have “efforted” my way through life. This is different. I’m praying a lot these days. I’m listening more carefully. I don’t have much to lose so I can afford to really follow the Spirit’s tug on my heart.