Category Archives: personal stuff

Did I really write that?

It makes sense to me, I suppose. The first half of life is about self. The second half, giveaway. But, I wonder where those words came from, back in 2006, 2007… at the beginning of the shadowland. It was the beginning of the wilderness, the beginning of the darkness. I had just come out of seminary, three vigorous years of work that went far faster than I ever could have imagined. I was trying to figure out what spirit wanted for my life… never thought I would be here, doing this. I had space, time, mystery. A good cocktail for a mystic.

Yesterday, I was going through my documents on the computer, organizing arranging slimming down and I found writings that have left me puzzled and thrown for a loop really. Have I gotten dumber since then? Probably not, as I never would have imagined I would be giving and doing what I am now.

So I want to post a few things back in the day. A short one for this morning… more for later.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Anne Lamott writes in her book, Traveling Mercies, about a man in her church who was dying of aids and is taken up during a hymn by an elderly black lady. They hold each other and cry together… a moment of beautiful reconciliation. She concludes:

I can’t imagine anything but music that could have brought about this alchemy. Maybe it’s because music is about as physical as it gets: your essential rhythm is your heartbeat; your essential sound, the breath. We’re walking temples of noise, and when you add tender hearts to this mix, it somehow lets us meet in places we couldn’t get to any other way.

This music, this living, is what we begin to experience as we pay attention to the world around us. It is what makes us created beings, not “gods” who control our own existence. See how the birds sing, listen to how the wind whispers. It is us. We are a part of this. We always have been, from the moment that God put us here to be with his other creation. That’s really what it comes down to I think. Being with…

I am with the birds, I am with the wind, I am with the grass and the trees and the sun. I am with you, and you are with me. And in and through it all, God himself is with… His with-ness, though, is deeper and more profound. His with-ness is what gives life its existence. He is what makes things real.

Supported by the universe… Immensely!

It’s funny. I had this post in mind, that was entirely focused on little Brendan’s peaceful slumber in my arms. Of course, at my intended time of writing, what did the little guy decide to express to me but quite the opposite. After some holding and talking, he once again set the example for me as to what peace looks like.

Yesterday, the two of us got to sit in on Kat’s lunch time yoga class. It being her first regular class back, she wanted to have a little experiment to see how he would do in an hour long yoga class. So Brendan and I sat in the back and we danced. He spent some time on his belly, on his back, on his feet, flying in the air, swinging, and being held. He didn’t cry once. He did, however, smile and laugh and giggle and groove. After a while, he began rubbing his eyes so I held him till he fell asleep. Deeply. There he was, resting in my arms in as deep a sleep as a baby can be. Arms hanging. Legs limp. Head and neck relaxed.

It was then I was reminded what it means to be supported by the universe. Our natural state of being. At peace. At-one-ness. Not a care in the world because we are being held by the great being of infinite love. There is nothing more beautiful.

Our lives get so complicated with apparent dilemma after dilemma. We get rushed and hurried and hustled and harried. Our breath, our most basic body instincts, is completely forgotten and ignored. Our bodies hold on to every up and down we feel. We get sick, tired, and worried. This is not the human condition. This is not what God wants for us. I take my reminders from my child and the spirit speaks through him.

As he slept, I kissed his feet. My guru.

 

My heart and calling to spiritual direction

Spiritual direction has a bit of a negative connotation in our independent and “don’t-step-on-my-toes-or-tell-me-what-to-do” culture. It has, however, been an accepted and necessary component to the spiritual journey within every historical faith and spiritual tradition for thousands of years. How is it that now, we think we do not need it?

From the moment I head-first dove into my spiritual pursuit of connection with God, I have felt a deep, deep calling to support my community on their own spiritual journeys. For me, this looks very much like spiritual direction. As I am finally engaged in my formal education of this very important offering, I welcome insight, but also those who would engage me in this process. You can go to the page on Spiritual Companioning for more information on what I am offering.  I very much encourage you to read what I have written there.

At the heart of my passion is the need for those who will ask us the right questions. MaryKate Morse writes in Presence journal:

[Spiritual direction] is an art because listening to a person speak while also seeking the guidance of the Holy Spirit requires a creative attentiveness to the process. Spiritual directors impose no expectations on time with our spiritual directees beyond believing that God is present and loves. The questions themselves are spiritual because we are not doing therapy or disciplining individuals toward a church’s or faith’s particular understanding of the spiritual life. We are not trying to teach doctrine or resolve a crisis. We ask questions to discover where God is moving in someone’s life.

This art of asking the right questions is one I have been interested in and focusing on for many years now. There is a need for focusing on it and at the same time, letting go. I will reflect more on this in the next post.

When we suck again

I may be the master of self-deception and not even know it. See, we can be wise, we can value all the right things, we can study and pray and serve and meditate… And then all of a sudden we realize we are just a big Shit. There is always something… Always something. And it builds up and builds up and BAM!! We suck again. I guess this is why grace is so important. This is what all the saints keep telling us… Without God we are nothing. We need him. It’s why so many of the mystics in one breath talk about union with God and in the next are saying, ”God save me” or “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Suffering… when you are not in control and you know it!

How difficult it is to be a man and know that I am not in control. I want to fix so badly. In these days when Kat and I are really trying to learn about self-care and staying healthy for the baby, and struggling in our attempts, this lesson of control is so real. To be with my wife while she is in the throes of coughing or the agony of a clenched up back, and feeling as though there is nothing I can do, is emotionally and even physically disorienting.

It is such an effort for me to call on that place of love and acceptance, of calm, patience, and breath. Presence remains… personal, loving, healing. And my prayers go there, and go there, and go there, and go there. Breathe, breathe, breathe… remember. And then of course, I call the “village” mothers and my own mother… HELP!

These words I recently read from Richard Rohr (The Naked Now) have been so encouraging… It is what it is. I have said it myself many times.

When you are inside great love and great suffering, you have a much stronger possibility of surrendering your ego controls and opening up to the whole field of life.

[In suffering], things happen against your will… you are not in control – which is what makes it suffering. And over time, you can learn to give up your defended state, again because you have no choice. The situation is what it is… The suffering might feel wrong, terminal, absurd, unjust, impossible, physically painful, or just outside of your comfort zone. So you see why we must have a proper attitude towards suffering, because many things every day leave us out of control – even if just a long stoplight. Remember, always, however, that if you do not transform your pain, you will surely transmit it to those around you and even to the next generation.

Suffering can lead you in either of two directions: It can make you very bitter and close you down, or it can make you wise, compassionate, and utterly open, either because your heart has been softened, or perhaps because suffering makes you feel like you have nothing more to lose.