Comments on: From assuming to understanding

By: Dave Carlton

Dave Carlton — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:37:08 +0000

I agree very much with darrenbrett’s comment, and have a small suggestion.

You mentioned the ways you typically react when you are “critiqued, criticized, or judged” as defending yourself or turning the focus on the other. Perhaps instead of those things, you could do something very bettgerian (that word is going straight into my regular vocabulary!!) and issue an invitation.

Invite this critic to understand how you came to hold the particular opinion at issue. Openly ponder how this point of view originated in your life. Invite the critic (dare I say the perceived critic?) to understand where your thinking comes from. If the verbal attacks persist, or even if they don’t, invite the person to share the origins of his/her opinions.

This may not work all the time, but I have found it a useful tool for deflating some of the emotional energy from a conversation. After this kind of “origin of my opinion” sharing, I’ve found I can more calmly discuss the issue at hand with him/her.

By: darrenbrett

darrenbrett — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 19:04:15 +0000

I think there is a time and place for both questions and statements. The challenge in posting something like this online, in the abstract, is that its difficult to determine whether you specifically are erring one way or the other. So what I would recommend Nate is that you ask people whether or not they find you evasive at all in your responses.

Again, the issue is not really an abstract one – or, better put, we can all agree on that level. The real issue is whether we personally are exercising the right balance. And for that you really need other people’s perspectives on your own communication style.

By: ggbolt16

ggbolt16 — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:38:44 +0000

“I am very hesitant to make a statement in response or reaction to someone before I really understand where they are coming from.”

In a relationship this is a life long endeavor. If you wait and wait and wait to have it all figured out before your respond, do you ever move forward?

By: Nate

Nate — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:12:36 +0000

Bob,
I appreciate your thoughts… as I have learned over the last year and a half how we handle these things so differently.

I definitely want to be present and give myself to others. I see, though, that my responses, especially to accusations, are indeed offerings of my self. Because I want to take this so seriously, I am very hesitant to make a statement in response or reaction to someone before I really understand where they are coming from. My desire is to understand and this means slowing down… not like a ping pong match.

I definitely am not afraid of conflict… but I want it to be productive. The ping pong match comes when both parties continue to make statement towards the other without ever listening.

Your suggestion to start with a statement is a good one. Perhaps, something like… “I really want to understand your perspective better so could you help clarify something for me?”

By: b0b pearson

b0b pearson — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 20:18:23 +0000

but Nate, sometimes it takes a statement to reveal your self to the other person. By just deflecting a statement with a question you are not engaging in a dialog from your true self, you are just doing an intellectual ping pong match, and you aremost likely detached from the other person. Often it is in the heated disagreements, if they are done from a true center, that allow us to refine our views and understandings. Conflict over feelings, worldviews, assumptions and perceived truths that make us who we are is a good thing not to be avoided.

Lashing out at the other to make your self feel better is obviously not a good technique. Perhaps you can start with a statement to reveal your self a bit, then follow up with a question.